When you love someone, it can be incredibly difficult to tell them “no.” In fact, you might not even realize that “no” is an option until you’ve repeatedly said “yes” when you truly wanted to say the opposite. This isn’t just a struggle with people you love; it often extends to interactions with people in general. If you’re a people pleaser, your default response is often “yes” or a suitable alternative, as if you’re on autopilot.

I speak from experience as someone who spent years saying “yes” to others and “no” to myself. If there’s a peak to the “I’m a Yes Person Mountain,” I have surely reached it.

The success of never saying “no” to others and the failure of not saying “yes” to myself is what has brought me to this realization and revelation.

Initially, I thought that not saying “no” stemmed from love for others. But I realized the truth: it’s often about not loving yourself enough. The idea of saying “no” can fill you with guilt, making you feel like you’re letting others down. You might label yourself as a bad friend, sister, or whatever role you play in their lives. The recipient of your “yes” might manipulate you further, or they may simply understand that “no” is a complete sentence—something rare for you.

Saying “no” is hard because you’re worried about how others will react. You fear the consequences of denying them access to you, turning “no” into a bad word in your vocabulary. Yet, love isn’t bad, and neither is “no.”

Consider the “no” in “no trespassing,” “no smoking,” or “no discrimination.” These are rules set in love, not negativity. So why not set similar boundaries for yourself?

It’s easy to reach this point and think, “Wow, how profound!” You might realize that you live by others’ “no’s” but fail to set them for yourself. Or perhaps you’re contemplating a recent “yes” that should have been a “no.” Don’t be afraid to retract that “yes.” Explain by saying, “I’m older and wiser now, and I wanted to say ‘no’ but didn’t. Now I know, and I’m saying ‘no.'”

Don’t be too hard on yourself for past moments you missed, as this is another lesson I’m learning. The beauty of “no” is that it teaches people used to hearing “yes” how to treat you. You’re setting boundaries, and there’s beauty in boundaries. You’re loving yourself and giving others the chance to show up for you, rather than you always showing up for them.

Remember, some people take your kindness for weakness, just as someone probably did to them. But your cycle stops now—today. Theirs will stop when they choose. Right now, it’s about you.

Learning to say “no” doesn’t happen overnight. It’s like planting a seed. Consider this moment as planting that seed. Save this reflection and return to it when you’re tempted to say “yes.” Each return is like watering the seed, giving it sunlight and nutrients to grow. Just say “no!” What you feed the seed, you feed your soul. Your soul deserves a thriving space, not one suffocating in the weeds of people-pleasing “yes’s.”

Through saying “no,” you honor yourself, giving you the freedom to say “yes” to yourself.

Remember, it’s not about them—it’s about you.

Love Aicha [eye-sha]

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